Wifes

I have been living with my partner Leander for 9 years and 14 months ago we became parents of a wonderful son. Our small family means everything to me, but we always face big challenges. My partner has been suffering from psychotic episodes since he was a young man and the first episode had occurred long before our relationship started. He receives both psychiatric and psychotherapeutic treatment, but his attitude to his medication is problematic. 

When I experienced the first psychotic episode during our relationship I was extremely upset and terrified. He was no longer the person I knew: he was completely changed and helpless. The experience left a deep impression on me. In many discussions, I made it clear that our relationship could only continue if he continued to take his medication, which was my safety net to provide stability for us as a couple and for him. For years he took his medication regularly and there were no further psychotic episodes.

A few weeks ago, I found out that he had stopped taking his pills without my knowledge. He said he felt better without them: no irritable bladder, less anxiety and fewer stressful thoughts. I understand that he finds the side effects annoying, but the fear of relapse immediately returned. The feeling that he could have another psychotic episode at any time hangs over me like a cloud. 

And so, our arguments increased. Communication broke down time and again, and he reacted increasingly irritably to my concerns. I wondered if I could trust him alone with our son. Although he was always affectionate with him, I was always afraid: What if he is no longer grounded in reality? What if he suddenly lost touch with our son's needs? These thoughts didn’t go away.

When I spoke to him about his changed behaviour and suggested that it might be a result of the drug withdrawal, he became angry. My insecurity grew. I had to work and felt uncomfortable leaving our child with him. Of course, he thought my worries were exaggerated and reproached me severely. Nevertheless, I decided to ask my parents for help, and they ended up looking after our son.

In retrospect, that must have been the right decision, because he has become increasingly agitated, talking non-stop, but at the same time seeming strangely absent. He claims that this is his true personality, which has only been suppressed by the pills. I find this hard to believe, because I see a person in front of me who is no longer the person I knew. He seems to be in a constant battle with himself.

At the same time, our daily life has completely changed. Not only did Leander stop taking his medication, but he also made radical decisions in other areas. He changed therapists and began to look intensively at his past. At first this seemed like a positive step. He talked about wanting to be more assertive and finally articulate his needs more clearly. But this change quickly took on extreme features. He became self-centred, talked incessantly about his artistic achievements and I hardly got a chance to speak.

One of the most frightening incidents was when he fell out with my parents. Suddenly he was making unfounded accusations against my father, claiming that he might be violent. I was deeply affected by these statements because I knew they had no factual basis. Then, without warning, he spent twelve hours at a colleague's house, describing it as the best day he had had in years. I sat at home and worried because I didn't know where he was and why he was gone for so long.

These constant conflicts and his leaps of thought inevitably led to more arguments between us. He didn't want to see that I was worried. On top of that, he explained that he had saved all Email-messages with my parents - as if he was preparing for a conflict with them. I found these thoughts confused and was extremely stressed by them.

We will have another appointment with our couple therapist next week. I hope we can talk about our situation there and maybe I can find some support. The pressure of having to judge on my own whether my partner is capable of looking after our son is almost unbearable. I am constantly on guard, watching every change in his behaviour and wondering how long our relationship can withstand these stresses.

I want nothing more than for us to create a stable environment for our son. My partner has always had a wonderful relationship with him and it would be so sad if this were to be destroyed by his illness and the conflict over medication. But I know I cannot bear this responsibility alone. I need support and I hope that together we can find a way to restore security and a sense of normality for all of us.