Mothers of sons

I am the mother of an adult son who suffers from paranoid schizophrenia. He has had several psychotic episodes which have been incredibly stressful and painful for all of us - especially for me as a mother.

After Rudolf had already experienced a psychosis and had been prescribed a low dose of an antipsychotic, his doctor had warned him that the use of cannabis could trigger further psychoses. As my son refused to see any connection between smoking cannabis and his illness, he asked me to accompany him to a psychiatrist who was specialised in treating drug addicts.

The psychiatrist said that the neuroleptic was not necessary and prescribed an antidepressant instead. At another appointment, the doctor even praised my son for using cannabis in a vaporiser instead of a cigarette. My concerns about changes in his behaviour and strange grimaces, which I had observed even before the first psychosis, were dismissed by the doctor with a smile.

Just two weeks later, my son was so delusional that he saw enemies everywhere and refused to be helped. He was restless, smoked excessive amounts of cannabis and hardly slept.

When he ran off into the woods one day without saying a word, we searched for him for hours and finally found him in a neighbouring village. With the help of the police, we managed to get him into an ambulance that took him to a hospital. This was the second time I had felt that a psychiatrist's assessment was completely out of touch with reality.

Of course, nothing got better. On the contrary, two weeks later, in a delusional state, my son injured several people, believing that they were zombies and that he was the last survivor. Although the police were aware of the first incidents, they only intervened when a man fell to the ground during the attack and suffered a serious head injury. 

Then the justice system reacted with full force: he was arrested, remanded in custody and spent two months in a psychiatric hospital. As soon as he began to recover, he was transferred to a prison for ten months without adequate treatment. After the court hearing, in which he was declared as legally incompetent but also dangerous because of what had happened, he was sent to a forensic institution for an indefinite period.

The following years were terrible for all of us. The powerlessness, worry and uncertainty about how long Rudolf would have to stay there weighed heavily on us. On the other hand, at least we knew he was safe there. I never thought that one day I would be happy that my son was locked up, but there I was. The psychotic episodes had traumatised me so much that this feeling of security was more bearable than what we had experienced before.

Fortunately, Rudolf's development has been very positive. After two and a half years he was discharged from the forensic psychiatric institution. However, he was subject to strict rules: he had to live in an aftercare residential facility, attend regular medical appointments, report to the probation service and follow a daily structure - for the last five years. This period is now coming to an end. 

My son is doing quite well now, but the illness and its consequences have left their mark. His resilience is very limited. He is disturbed by large numbers of people and loud or continuous noises. He also suffers from the side effects of the neuroleptics, which he now takes regularly in the form of depot injections.

Nevertheless, he seems to have realised that he can only lead a semi-normal life if he takes his medication and stays away from alcohol and drugs. I really hope he continues to see it that way - because I am so afraid of having to go through this nightmare all over again.