Daughters of mothers

  My mother has lived with mental illness since I was born. I am now 46 years old, and the challenges of her illness have been with me all my life. My mother lives alone and for some time now she has consistently refused to take her medication. As a result, she calls me all the time, insults me and blames me, and a little bit later she calls again, apologises and acts as if nothing had happened. This constant change is exhausting and is taking a toll on my daily life and my emotional wellbeing.

I visited her recently. Her flat is chaotic, a clutter of yellowed newspapers, useless things and old memories. Despite several attempts to offer support, she categorically refuses any help. I have organised a panic button for her so that she could call for help in an emergency. But instead of accepting this, she misinterprets my efforts as control or paternalism. She recently told me that she is no longer my mother because I refuse to be her legal adult representative - a decision I have explained to her countless times and which I have made for my own protection.

I have been trying to come to terms with this situation for many years and have also undergone therapy to deal with my own childhood. I grew up in a boarding school because my mother already had mental health problems. She was in and out of institutions and hospitals. During these periods I often had hope that she could be stabilised in the long term. But she has been withdrawing more and more, cancelling appointments with social services and isolating herself more and more from the outside world. Her social contacts have almost completely broken down, which makes my concern all the greater.

The situation weighs heavily on me. There are days when I get a call from her every hour, sometimes in the middle of the night. In the morning, she is full of accusations and insults, and in the evening she apologises. This emotional rollercoaster often leaves me feeling helpless and increasingly exhausted. 

My father, from whom my mother has been separated for a long time, keeps telling me to keep my distance. It was only when he called her recently and told her unmistakably not to contact me again that I was able to breathe for a few hours. But I still feel guilty. I keep wondering if she is all right and if she might hurt herself.

A few days ago, I received a call from her threatening to kill herself if I didn't come immediately. I immediately alerted all the necessary emergency services - police, ambulance and emergency doctor. A few hours later she was laughing on the phone with my father as if nothing had happened. This manipulative pressure is hard for me to bear. I have more than enough to do in my job, but these calls take all my energy.

I know I have to set limits, but the guilt is always with me. I keep trying to do something nice for her - small gestures like bringing her flowers or her favourite chocolate. But even that is questioned. She recently asked me if I had only given her a gift because I didn't like it myself. Her suspicion and how she distorts my intentions hurt me deeply and make it difficult for me to do anything good.

She continues to refuse all medication and medical treatment. This does not make the situation any easier. I try to cope with my own daily routine, but it is difficult for me when I am constantly under pressure and have to deal with these extreme mood swings. Even my own health suffers because I am always on alert and never really able to switch off.

Maybe it would help to be unavailable for a few weeks - and to communicate that clearly. Other people go on trips around the world for months at a time and are also away for a while. Maybe that would be a way for me to get some peace and distance and finally focus on my own life. I know that I can and must take this time for myself in order to stay healthy in the long term.