Mothers of sons

In the first acute phase my son had to be treated in a psychiatric ward after a violent incident. This was an unimaginable shock for me as a mother. The fact that our flat was in ruins due to his complete loss of control was of secondary importance at that moment. Feelings of insecurity and fear spread through me like a thick fog that instantly obscures any clear view. 

He had always been a sensitive young man, but over time his behaviour changed markedly. His meetings with his friends became less frequent, which, in retrospect, I was perhaps a little relieved about. I still remember the smell of cannabis in his hair and his red eyes every time he came home.

Gradually he became more withdrawn, began to perceive things that did not exist for others and developed severe anxiety. I didn't know how to deal with it at the time and was desperate for answers. Unfortunately, his condition continued to deteriorate and he had to be admitted to hospital. The diagnosis provided some explanation, but it also made us realise that our lives would never be the same again.

The situation is doubly stressful for me. On the one hand, it is difficult to see my son struggling with his illness. On the other hand, I feel the full weight of responsibility on my shoulders. I work and have many responsibilities, while trying to support him in any way I can. He lives with me and I often feel that I'm solely responsible for everything - his finances, his daily routine and making sure he gets the help he needs.

One of the biggest challenges remains his use of cannabis. He continues to use it even though it's bad for his mental health and have tried to talk to him about it, but I often meet resistance, like I'm talking to a brick wall. Sometimes it feels like I have to be constantly on guard to protect him - from himself and from circumstances that might make his illness worse.

I have learnt a lot about myself and my son's illness over the past few months. The support provided by counselling has helped me to understand the condition better and also to find a way for myself to deal with the situation. But it's an ongoing struggle, especially as I sometimes feel overwhelmed myself. There are days when I wonder how much longer I can go on like this.

One ray of hope is that he is part of a programme that opens up social and professional prospects for him. I really hope this will help him to regain some independence. At the same time, it's important for me to accept that I can't control everything. I have to learn to let go - even if it's difficult. My biggest wish is that one day my son will be able to lead a stable and independent life. Until then, I will do my best to support him on his journey.